Saturday, 30 June 2018

You set your own limitations.


Found this image this morning, thought it to be perfect for sharing across my pages. 

When you decide to share a quote, it's largely because somewhere, you are able to relate with it; somewhere you nod a little inside your head and that's what prompts you to go head and express that sliver of agreement with others. You also wish for others to be able to if not relate then understand at least.

When i read this quote, there was not a little nod but a big one. YES! i can relate with this. i could relate because, somewhere i found my childhood years slipping into the curves and between the spaces of these words. This quote reminded me what my childhood was like. i too was told that i could never do anything right. Worse? i could never do anything at all!

When i was doing my own share of expansive research on Childhood Trauma for my latest book The Shadow of Darkness, i stumbled upon Child Abuse. CA is of 5 types: Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Child neglect, and Exploitation. i covered each topic quite feverishly. i also devoured Online abuse. 

When i went through emotional abuse and understood the minuscule levels that it takes place on, i came to understand that i too have gone through this when i was small. People, with whom i spent almost my entire childhood, they were always rejecting me. Belittling, ridiculing, ignorance, controlling, snide remarks, pretense, manipulation...these were all the part of my almost daily life. As a small girl, i could never understand what wrong had i done to annoy them so much, or, what could i do to make them happy? All those years i kept thinking it was my mistake. but when i read about emotional abuse, i understood that what i had gone through was a trauma that lasted several years, and also that it has a name. i understood so many aspects of my own personality that was hidden in the wraps of time. Suddenly the picture was much more vivid, revealing the truth on my face.

i had blinked. With tears, helplessness, relief...finally i got to place another puzzle of my life in its right place.

Those people always made sure that i never grow into a confident and talented girl. And for 90%, they managed to made me believe in the same too - that i can not do anything in life and that i cannot become good at anything at all.
But when i read this quote, it made so much sense. All that time, those people were not telling me about my limitations or setting my sky to a limit but they were reflecting their own capabilities to do anything. They managed to made me believe their beliefs by almost 90% but the rest 10%, it stayed untouched and that worked like a magic for me. i made it work like a magic. Today i am an author and a musician and i guess i am doing alright with both. These two jobs are quite challenging to begin with. 

Where one job demands me to stay silent, the other one urges me to speak and sing. Both of them made me believe i can do almost anything. With the kind of faith i have in me, i do my best to put it at work everyday.

Today, i get to set my own limitations. i get to choose my own sky and stretch its edges and corners as much as i like. Today i get to do something that none of those people can ever imagine doing it. Not that i do it to show or prove anything to them or anyone else. It's because i can never imagine my life otherwise. i like to do something instead of idling time away.

Besides, in recent months, i have collected another pearl of wisdom. It is - 

Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Not for your partner not for parents, not for anyone else but for yourself. Everyone can leave your side or change colors but if you are committed to your job because of yourself, it can turn into the biggest motivation. After all, post all those hardships, loneliness and silent cries, you owe big to yourself.

So whatever i do today, i do it for myself. You are free to judge me. i don't care. But it's something that i have learned a very hard way, and not letting the lesson go at any cost now. 

My childhood years were controlled by those people. Post marriage, responsibilities got to do it but now? It's my turn to gain the control over my life. Even if i have only 10% of undamaged part, that should be enough to create something extra-ordinary.

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