Friday, 23 June 2017

Giving up to the unknown

When it comes to future, Curiosity is the concept we humans lean at the most. Be it the next hour, tomorrow or the week after, we just can't stop looking, digging into the uncertainties and deciding the possible course of actions. Sometimes the concept of curiosity gets so strong that we literally stop living in the present and thrust ourselves forward in the bubble of future. We roll inside it and do our best to find the balance all the while keeping an eye on the probable. But something clicks at some point and pop! The bubble bursts out and we finally come back to reality. The dear feeling of not knowing what's gonna happen next gets kind of unsettling, slips underneath your nerves. You sit with head down thinking deep...finally giving up to the unknown.

This, my friend, the act of giving up to the unknown should have taken place at the first place. If it had, a lot of time and energy could have been saved. And yes, a few more wrinkles off the face too. Who needs those fine lines anyway?! 

In an urge to catch the the butterfly of future, we are probably getting distracted from collecting fragrance of the present. At some point, we have to learn to stop. Not every step taken forward can really take you forward. Standing still and let the world around move can also be the next step. We just have to stop and give up - to the future, to the unknown, to the forbidden. Then only we can truly learn to grow, to move forward, to be deserving of the knowledge of beyond. We just need to flow according to the flow and allow things to happen. 'Cause they will happen even if you don't. So just sit and put the head on the head rest and be the part of the present. Who knows what's going to happen next, so why bothering all the time? When it comes, it will be braved and faced. When it finally reveals, it will be served with the response it deserves. Until then, breathe. It'll keep you in the kingdom of reality - the present - with you as the anonymous king perched on the magnificent throne of permitted. And who wouldn't want to be fancied by such?

Thursday, 22 June 2017

The Suffering of Ocean.

the suffering that never ends
the rise of pain keeps flowing
head back, eyes lookin' up
thinking when will this end?

in the ocean of unexpected
stumbled upon an oyster 
the most beautiful pearl in it
wish i could keep it here;

lips fear to pray, dreadful to make a wish
it'd be a regretful waste nevertheless
with that beautiful  pearl lost somewhere else
now the ocean is left to burn alive everywhere.

Pen writing or type writing?

A few days back, i was thumbing through the news paper, reading various articles. One of them was about a pen pal. The writer has reminisced the journey of her pen friend - Richardis - from Germany. The writing style was crisp and devoid of usual mundane explanations which was refreshing and welcoming. i learned a bit too! Anyway, the writer - Meher Pastonji - reminded me of the times when pens were in fashion, the era where hand written letters used to be a particular craze and of course, when making pen pals across the country or the globe used to be a big deal. Ink doesn't really know its boundaries, does it?

In my childhood, i too had written several letters to my favorite cousins and relatives. Whenever i was at my naani's house, i would pick a pen and paper and write letters to my parents. Pen writing is actually a very fascinating experience despite of being a lengthy and now-a-days, a fussy process. That time, it used to be beautiful, without fuss and yes, infused with the amount of love and affection that's now impossible to find in type writing. So, as i went through the article reading on the journey of the writer and her German friend and how they managed to talk on phone after 40 years of pen friendship, i too traveled back in time. The moment when those two friends finally listened to each other's voices, i too reveled in that. 40 years!! Big time until you get to talk to a friend. In today's date, telephonic conversations happen without even thinking. Time has become so easy, so convenient. 

But can mails, texts and other forms of e-media really take away the charm of writing a letter? Can the effervescence of text books handwriting match the annoying monotonous clicks of typing? The latter sure makes the job a lot easier and feels more eco-friendly but still, the fascination of writing your feelings and experiences and getting it to share with someone is unparalleled. And oh, how can you forget the wicked role of Waiting for a letter? A letter usually took 4-5 days to arrive at its destination and then you'd sit and wait for the response which would take at least a week or two, depending upon the availability of the person at destination. It may take months and even years to get a response but the allure of waiting was matchless. You feel as if the world can not end. Yet. Because the response letter has not arrived! The anticipation, the excitement, fights with the younger brother to post it asap, jogs to the shop for the answer mail has arrived, the ability to get to caress each word on the response letter, feeling the happiness and the agony hidden in it, trying to guess whether the content was written in a hurry or with patience, the envy of a beautiful handwriting, little drawings here and there but above all, the smile which'd still continue to glow on your face even after finishing the last word at the end...the originality of these are somehow lost in the time of technology and impatience.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Little discoveries and experiences

Experiences, sometimes, can surprise us. You think you know yourself better than time but no. Again and again, the latter will prove you wrong. No matter how many years you have spent with yourself, there will always be a room in the dark hidden somewhere within you. It does not get enlightened with self-awareness and knowledge until time allows it to. And when it happens, when the dark room comes into a limelight, you realize there is still an aspect of yourself you did not know. How convenient! It can be amusing as well as surprising. Good or bad, depends really upon how do you take the latest discovery.

But i think, these experiences are good in a way. Because it lets you have a closer look at what you want to be or how you want to be. In the series of fleeting moments, you emerge as the purest form. You be what and how you are but when those moments finally end, you get to evaluate the recent experience. And then you may stumble upon a discovery about yourself. Even if you feel bad or not-so-impressed with yourself, it's still a learning! You get the glimpse of the construction in process (not progress, mind you!). Am i talkin' in codes or you understand what i am saying? No. i am not talkin in codes neither i am overwhelmed by any experience. You can understand my POV here only if you have gone through such discoveries about yourself. If you get the chance to sit and sip the latest breaking news about yourself, you find you can sit for longer and think even deeper. Every pros and cons get noticed. The experience might be over but you can avail the benefit by reliving it over and over and picturing scenarios of  several what ifs. It can be helpful or meaningless, again depends totally upon how do you take it. 

But truth to be told, discoveries about yourself, no matter how sweet or how harsh they can be, are good. In fact, anything that can bring you closer to your soul, that can make you a thinker, that can free you to sit and stare at the beautiful naught, that allows to be you despite the rest of world masquerading in different forms, that connects the dots and completes the picture, is good, and healthy. Whether you take it in with positivism or not, trust me it is good have little precious discoveries about the personal universe you are living in.

Sunday, 18 June 2017

Wishing you a Happy Father's Day, Mummy.

You are the ears to my words  
eyes for my suffering and happiness
you are a mate whenever my soul ache
you are the friend whenever i need one
you are my best critique for my betterment
you are not only an earth to me
Mother! in you, there is also a father i see;

The longing to sit next to you
feeling your presence glowing in me
i smile when you laugh at nothing
i look at you even when you are not looking at me;

You'll never know how much i love you
you will never see what you instill in me
it's just not only the chapters of life 
but also the will to thrive and survive;

You may think i am out of your womb, mother
you may think there is no longer a cord connecting us
but the way you take us in your protective shelter
there can never be another womb so better!

So allow me to wish you in my way
with love sweeping your heart away
Father sure will get jealous after reading this
but he needs to know that he is not alone
in the road of loving and protecting his own 
he has got a soldier, a resilient ally 
here is to wish you
A Happy Father's Day, Mummy. 





Friday, 16 June 2017

Eyes say it all.

"We can stay only for a short while." He said

"Okay." She said, smiling all the way.

"Do not tell this to anyone." He said.

"I won't." She assured.

He opened the door and there her friend Jennifer was, doing something by the table. Jennifer saw them smile shining her face. By this time, i already had an uneasy feeling, like something bad is going to happen any second. Jennifer saw her friend and the moment she stepped forward with smile still glowing her face, a bullet meets the left of her stomach and then another right in between her eyes, on the forehead. The next moment, she was dead by the same table. The man, who had brought the girl with him, was stunned. He turned back and saw the girl he loved deeply, immensely probably trying to figure out what the hell she just did. The girl looked back at him, not a single trace of remorse on her face and before the man could utter any sort of response, she fired the gun at him. Three or four bullets may be. The man was now on the floor, bleeding to death.  

It's this serial that i watch in weekdays. In fact, this is the only serial i watch. The scene i just narrated to you, it belongs to tonight's episode. The girl who fired the gun and appears to be so cruel here actually looked so innocent, delicate and harmless. The man loved her so much! He had brought the girl to meet her friend, Jennifer. It was a secret meeting and he trusted his love so much, so blindly. But the girl did her mission. And killed two people - one her friend and another her lover ( she didn't love him really, did she?).

But what usually gets under my skin during such scenes is - the eyes of the victim faced with betrayal. The amount of pain all wrapped up meticulously in the agony of shock. The thought that the person you trusted your heart so much with can actually commit a kill on your trust breaks you. Only one sense becomes the prominent - the eyes. Other senses just stop working. Those eyes opened wide struggling to drink in the incredulity of the moment, still forcing the mind to figure out what went wrong or is it for real? You just stop sensing the pain caused by the bullet, the external killing resource. You get killed by the the moment you chose to consider a particular person your own. You get killed by all those happy memories that do not fail to flash in a second across your eyes before you fall to the ground and turn into a dead body. You get killed because of your decision to hand over the complete power to someone. You get killed by your own choice, those good happy memories, that decision you thought made sense. Bullet just makes the job easier. Your mind gives up, the heart has no desire to keep drumming in your chest, blood spews because there is no use. You reel on the floor, you keep seething until it's all over. Not because The End was destined but because you wanted it to be over.

i won't blame you if you judge my post inspired by an episode. At some extent, it is but not entirely. There are many more moves and ideas in that serial but i never choose to write about any of'em. What i have written here, what i have told you here actually happens in real life. When someone betrays your trust, your integrity gets compromised. You start testing your G.K. about people and relationships and probably start thinking to re-write it. Because everything stops making sense. Where you thought this is the one who will always understand me, who will always wipe your tears away, that same person can suddenly and magically becomes immune to the core of your emotions. No matter the size of vortex, the ultimate damage finally comes down on you, on your relationship. Where you thought you can trust your judgment and choose to go against this world, suddenly it becomes not You v/s The world. It becomes You v/s Yourself. And then you stop and think 'how to outplay my own self'? Then again, nothing makes sense. You become numb and your eyes speak the story on your behalf. 

Somehow i am beginning to feel i am delivering a very depressing blog post once again. You seem to agree too! This week, it has been hard to feel something good, something positive. Anyway, let's end all of it with just one sentence - If someone loves you deeply, do not cause hurt. You wouldn't like what those eyes might have to say in return. 

Okay! Now that's two sentences.



Thursday, 15 June 2017

Read 50 pages to decide

It was my book club this eve. After all the reading and healthy snacks, i talked to kids about Books and their benefits - about how books can be a good conversation starter when being in a strange group as well as about how book reading makes the person friendlier than the others. These benefits are good. i also shared the result of a specific research. It says that - read 50 pages of book to decide whether you want to continue with it. It is called - Rule of fifty.

A nice rule, i'd say. However, since kids' books are often thinner than adults' novels, i told my club kids to try reading for 20 pages if not more. Those 20 pages will help you in knowing whether you'd like to continue. Along with this, i also emphasized on - whether you like the book or not, once you have started, make it a point to finish it. Because Finishing is as important as Starting a book. They agreed with me. It was not the first time i was mentoring them over the significance of finishing a book but reminding one thing over and over actually gets settled in the head. Then the person hardly ever forgets it.

Last week i had given them a little assignment in their club copies - Who is your favorite teacher and why? Today we talked about it. It was good and fascinating listening them. Even Ashmit spoke fondly about his Rupa ma'am. Jyoti likes Seema ma'am while Abhay finds his ____ ma'am ( i seem to forget the teacher's name). i am trying to not to focus much on the fact that women have been tutoring their children in schools very well. They are becoming favorite. Then i also told them about two of my favorite teachers - 1. Harjeet miss when i was in 7th and 8th std. she was our Punjabi teacher. Yes. i do know a little of this language as well; 2. Late Mittal sir. During my medical preparation, it was because of Mittal sir that Physics became an interesting subject to me. i told my kids that if it wasn't for Harjeet miss and Mittal sir, i'd never be able to enjoy Punjabi and Physics. It was nice to see kids paying attention.

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

The fall of love and trust.

Just this morning i talked about there is something beautiful in today in the poem - The Gift of Today and what my sheer luck is! Can't seem to fathom at the turn of events. If there is one thing that's huge next to love is - trust. Every relationship is based on trust. We move on with it, live with it and literally sleep with it. Trust is something that makes us sensitive and thus, human. 

But what if the same trust is broken by someone you love? Or, you thought you did. i don't believe in the notion that only blood relations are trustworthy. People who happen to be called your relatives can be trustworthy too. They too can make up for the empty spaces of a few precious relationships that you crave for, long for. You open up your heart and welcome the person thinking s/he is right for you and certainly understands your emotions and reciprocates them. The person appears to be trustworthy. Family. Friend. Big sister. Big brother. Cousin. The person seems everything that you have always craved for and you are just happy to adjust some space in your life to accommodate those sudden sprouted warm feelings. And for a long time you continue, no, you choose to live in a daze that your decision is right. That the person you have chosen to trust is worth your time and energy and those laughter bouts and personal thing sharing. Everything just seems good and perfect! Nothing was supposed to go wrong. But at the end, it did. The gift or the present can be so full of surprises. 

The Gift of Today

there is always something good about today
it's not gone neither it's about to happen
it's here, right now in this moment
so why don't you smile and open the thing
that is called your 'present'?

Monday, 5 June 2017

Imagining something new

i hadn't planned on writing anything tonight but sitting on the same spot in my balcony as previous night and looking up at the sky, the content was found unexpectedly. i sat there thinking nothin'. Just drinking in the natural beauty of such night's silence. As i looked up, i found some small but several big clouds perched over the backdrop of dark gray sky. and suddenly something hit me. A while ago, someone had suggested me to be light-hearted. I can be fussy some times. So i decided to try it - how does it feel like to be light-hearted? i started imagining creatures out of those pale white patches of clouds, a usual game of dreamers.

At first, it was tough. Clouds were not in usual discipline. But after a few seconds, i could see a big dog (or you can say, rhinoceros) running to the right. It's shape was nice. And then i saw head of a bull a little to the left but up and away from the dog. Weird though but there was so much precision in its two eyes, nostrils, and two spread horns on its either side of the head that i had to accept it. Then i started trying again. Luck was out or may be i was out of imagination. In fact, i felt the urge to bring those clouds together and stitch them together in a Mammoth or a Unicorn. That'd have been nice. But i didn't because i couldn't.

And then an idea hit me. Why it is always have to be existent or known creatures? Why can it not be about creating something new, imagining something new? i smiled. i must tell you that this 'trying to be light-hearted' thing had started to amuse me a little by now. With new perspective and from behind my spectacles, i watched at the scenery laid in front of me. i put all the clouds together and created a big creature. It had a big long neck with a reasonably broad face. But you should wait until i tell you what the rest of it looked like. The rest of this creature was huge. It had two enormous broad wings right below its neck and donning the back of its chest. It had a long tail as well, not one but two, one below the other. Everything worked out in favor except a small pile of clouds hunched on its hip. What could that be? And then i turned it into a small creature, an ally to the big one to keep an eye on its backside. Perfect! Eyes on front, eyes on the back. And then i gave some powers to my newly invented creature. It can change its shape in any and many forms. After all, it is made up of clouds. i have to give this obvious prowess. It could also run across the whole sky. Those sporadic stars peeking from its body from here and there could be little glitters, little gems attached to its body, to give it a more appealing look.

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Just one minute

One minute. Sounds too short, too less of a time span to ask for, right? The last minute of your favorite tele-show and you are maniacally stuck to it. You are so desperate for it to go on just to see what mysteries will unfold afterwards but that last minute passes more quickly than it is supposed to. You are on the treadmill or jogging on the road and loving it so much that you never want to stop. The last minute somehow appeals to you very much but this minute too betrays you and makes a fun of you by ending with the unexpected speed. You can't jog anymore 'cause there are other form of exercises in line, waiting to get done. 

All i am saying is, that one minute is not too much to ask for. Because there is a concept called eternity living with us. One drop scooped out of an ocean and the ocean wouldn't feel its absence. A drop, a blink, a sip, a minute...not that important to go hunt after.

By having said all this prologue, i'd love to have a minute of blank mind. All the memories, good ones, bad ones and other ones, the worries, the expectations from and of the future, the ghosts of the past, the spontaneity of the present...everything to be erased just for a minute. So that i can know once again how does it feel like to be a blank slate again, to feel or remember nothing; to be free like my 7 months old nephew who knows nothing but doing his best to mimic the expression of the person holding him. Does this wish sound weird? Of course it does. If someone else was saying it to me, I'd probably be like - Hey! that's not possible, you know! Besides, be cool with everything you have. Or, may be something similar to that. 

May be the ocean would not miss its one drop. May be the sip taken from a huge glass of hot chocolate would not be terribly missed. May be the eternity would still do just fine without its minuscule fraction. But that ocean would not understand the freedom of that one drop. The brimming glass of hot chocolate would not know the lingering taste lasting on thirsty lips. The eternity would never feel what does it feel like to be wanted as much as one minute. 

i know. This wish is a demand of a foolish mind. It is too big of a request to place. Eternity would never give away its tiny part. A minute is too long for it to give up just for someone's selfish desire. 


Light in the abundance of darkness

May be i am the rebirth of an owl. 'Cause i like to stay awake late into the night. Be it during my exams in the past, spending time with my big sprawled family and having cuppa of teas at two in the morning, staying awake staring at nothing, being a mum, or take this...Saturday nights, i just can't find the purpose under the bed, behind the sofa, inside the wardrobes, tucked in the kitchen drawers to sleep early. 

Previous night when i finally hit my bed, it was a bit late. i was sleeping with my kid in his room. He doesn't want to sleep alone. He was asleep but i stayed awake, religiously justifying the owl's duty. Since not every night is a reading night, i relieved my Kindle from its duty. Instead, i kept starin at the ceiling until an idea hit me! i got up and switched off the light first. Not satisfied. i got up again and closed the room door half way. Still not enough. Finally when i shut the door completely and was lain back on the bed in the dark then only it worked. 

Who says darkness cannot give birth to light? Who says nothing can be seen in the dark? Because i was staring at those little stars and moons and planets stuck on the ceiling. Put the radium object or those ones that glow in the dark (i am forgetting the term) and the darkness will pave way for some light...for some illumination. Just like the night sky who allows the real moon and stars to shine so bright at its dispense. See! Darkness is beautiful. Darkness has a meaning. It is not entirely meaningless. 

i have always wanted to sleep under the sheet of starry sky but because of the night's creepy army, i can never do so. But my wish was unexpectedly completed last night. The ceiling was my make shift sky and those radium stickers were my moon and stars. But i was the real gazer. This all may sound very simple to you but don't they say there is a beauty in simplicity? Pin those radium stickers on your room ceiling, stare at them at night and then tell me whether it worked as a magic or not. It does. You won't be able to help yourself but smile at the sight. I liked it.

Friday, 2 June 2017

An individual first, a parent later

You know i have always wanted sleeping pills but never realized this fact until today that my stories too could work just the same. One page through my own and i start feeling dozy yet i am determined to get cured only by the pills. Just saying. Working hard as usual and on a good story, of course.

i am reading this novel. In it, there is a 50 year old woman, a mother of three grown ups. The woman (let's call her C) is a single mother, lives in Paris while her children live far away and are appallingly consumed in their own separate lives, hardly ever asking anything about their mother's life. That felt strange to me 'cause 6 hours spent and i call up my mother or she calls me and then we talk, or gossip or converse for around thirty minutes at the least (no wonder my husband has got me a mobile package of free local and STD calls). But it feels relaxing and comforting knowing that even though i live thousands of kilometers apart, my mother is doing fine. But in this novel, the three kids act as if they are born out of thin air and that air was sucked up by the vacuum afterwards. Their mother is non-existent until they need to see her or she visits them (youngest of the three is actually nice to her though). i know it's a fiction novel but fiction mirrors non-fiction. Besides, anything and everything is possible.

But that is not why i have started talking to you here. About those three kids. No. Their stance towards C's life was somehow digestible until they start condemning or questioning C for having a boy friend at this age. While it was okay for C to have someone special in her life, three children were somehow not convinced. They thought, no, they assumed C only and solely as their mother. They never considered her a human being first who can have her own wishes, lifestyle, desires, passions and the ability to make a decision to live with a man seventeen years younger than her; or a woman who would and could do things as she liked. Somehow they never looked at her as a complete, fully-functional independent woman. They always imagined her spending the entire life living for them and then dying being their mother only. 

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Beyond the nature, beyond the sky

Settled on my dining chair, with laptop perched on the table, i look out of the balcony door. There are many things i can see right now but sometimes what meets to eye does not matter. Sometimes you manage to look beyond those thick luscious leaves, random flowers, buildings, solar systems sun bathing on many terraces, airplanes flying overhead occasionally, the far away mirage called the horizon, the blob of clouds, the patches of clear blue sky...these things just come forward and get lost in the vision of naught that has suddenly become so existent, so clear, so much intense. You not only look but you manage to look beyond everything magically. The beauty of the mortal things lose their charm when you are indulged so lavishly into the depth of eternal silence, in the tranquility that the house is providing so generously. You almost feel thankful. Good that my kid is gone to school or else I'd not be able to do some philosophy right now. :)

Life is very dramatic. The coin flips so quickly and so silently that when it happens, it gets almost impossible to recognize the subtle transformation. but that's life at the end and its drama unfolding every day. Today is Thursday and the first date of this month. That reminds me it's my book club day. Yay! Something to look forward to. The theme of the month is - School is Cool. School is cool only if there is everything positive but it can get uncool because of some issues such as bullying, shyness, finding difficulty in making friends, tough subjects, challenging teacher and what not. The latter can bring not-so-positive impact on the child's mind. Hence, the theme, to give a good head start to the new academic year. Cool, right? Parents have shown their approval already. 

A slow but steady longing for a cup of hot coffee has started to stir me within. i will get up when i am done here. And will drink it when i start working on my story. Something nice is going to happen in the next couple of months but i'll share when it's time to share. i can only hope it works. 

The tick tock of the wall clock behind me is filling the moment so diligently that it almost makes me smile. Have you ever been this silent? in such silent surroundings? It's beautiful, i can tell you...to be able to feel things falling for natural course occurring at natural pace. Chaos is good but most of the time, it's the silence that can bring you closer to yourself. It may not be very heart-warming though. Because it takes you far away from yourself too. So it can be understandably heart-breaking just as well. No. Heart-wrenching is more suitable word here. But embracing both the sides of coin is what should be the natural course of being human, being sensible, being wise or mature or whatever. Just accept and embrace. That can do a little less damage, i guess. After all, if it's the soul that's affected, no one has done the damage but yourself.

Now before you turn in Robert Langdon and start behaving like him in a typical manner, let me go grab my coffee. i wish i could have filter one though.