Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Post for my grand mother and when there is a battle between mind and heart!

It hurts to see our loved ones in grief, trouble or, sometimes in the hospital. People whom we love when face the unfair atrocities of life, it wrists our hearts with a sudden thrust that let us neither breathe nor die.

I remember my grand mother. She was absolutely fond of me. When I recall the wonderful serene time that I spent with her, my heart twists in a way that leaves a scar later. It is painful to realize the fact that she is no longer with me. But if I want to soothe my heart, I just turn my thoughts in the other direction. I think, "She is always with me. Physical presence doesn't matter much when two hearts are tied up" and I feel relax. I still love her a lot. She meant everything to me.

But now that she is gone, a painful twisted scar is left on my heart. They say time heals but sometimes, time only dries up the tears, not heal your heart completely.

Since my childhood, sleeping with her at nights was my usual routine. When any of our family member was gone out for some work and he was supposed to return at night, she kept herself awake until that gone out person returned. Whether it is two or three at night, she kept herself vigilant. When the person took more time to return than anticipated, she started to get worried. She just simply couldn't sleep while I was soundly asleep next to her.

In the middle of the night when I got up for some reason and saw her still waiting, I asked her to sleep. If that person comes, he will rind the doorbell and then you can get up. But she always refused my this logic. She had always taken care of her entire big family. Even after her, she has taken care of the same.

She was very sweet, bright minded, advanced with the age, elegant, funny and understanding. Her face was always radiating a glow while she never utilized any face pack or any other beauty treatment. Her facial glow was so natural that it often used to send all of us in an amazement. All the friends of me and my sisters used to compliment her a lot about her glowing face and for being a rare grand mother. She was loved, adored and admired by all.

But among all, she loved me the most. When I was going Varanasi for medical preparations, she wasn't ready to send me away. Even I didn't want to leave her but I had to go. When I left, later my mother told me that she said, "Now that she is gone, I feel like a part has taken away from me". I couldn't believe she loved me this much.

Recalling and writing these all memories has brought tears into my eyes. Because I still love her and she will always be in my heart. She has occupied a very special, one-of-its-own-kind place and that is :: the top of my heart. She is proudly sitting there smiling back at me in every moment of life.

There are colossal of memories to recollect. After Varanasi, I was again supposed to do the medical preparation but this time in Allahabad. That time she wasn't in a very good health state. I decided not to go and be with her. I knew my presence will satisfy her in some way. I stayed, leaving back my previous plans.

One day I don't know what was the matter and I got angry with her. I stopped talking to her entirely. Sometimes my temperament gets worse out of me. After few days of my anger, at one night I was going up into my room and just turned back on the stairs to look at her. I still can't forget that moment, her helpless face. There were pipes inside her nose. My father was holding her to give her the support so that she can sit up for the doctor. Her face was still radiating but there was such helplessness and the reflection of poor health state that I couldn't bear the sight and simply ran towards the terrace and I cried. I cried and cried and cursed myself like I never did before. 'How irresponsible and cold hearted I am that I stopped talking to her?? She has loved me so much through her entire life and here I am behaving like a selfish person?? How can I ever be like this, especially to her?' I cried for hours but tears couldn't soothe my aching guilty heart. I decided never to leave her alone.

Then like it was the destiny's plan to take her away from me, from all of us. She went under such severe health state that gradually became incurable. Changes in hospitals and doctors was the new routine for her. She couldn't eat solid food. So she was inserted food pipes within her throat. She couldn't speak properly because of this. She was going under adverse stage of health.

The biggest support with her was my mother. She always treated my mother as her own daughter. My grand mother has five daughters but she always said, "I have six daughters, not five". She counted my mother as her sixth one. What a proud achievement it is for all of us! In return, my mother stood with her every time. No matter what hospital it was and where it was, my mother was always there. My grand mother usually preferred to eat from her hands only. She had a strange belief that eating by my mother's hands could save her life.

Wish it was possible!!

In Lucknow hospital, she finally attained salvation. Her silent body was brought back to our house. I don't want to go into much details here of that time but one thing I'd like to mention for sure. When her body was being taken for cremation procedure, everybody touched her feet to bid a good bye. But I didn't because at that time, I had the belief that she is still with me. She has gone nowhere. She is always with me. My that belief is still breathing. I always find her around me.

Her love for me was unparalleled. Even I think I couldn't return the smallest portion of her affection to her though I loved her a lot. Things that I could never share to anyone, I shared them with her. She scolded me, appraised me, saved me from different troubles, taught me so many things about life but now that I desperately want her to see what I am and what I am going to be, I just can't. May be she is still watching me from somewhere, smiling back at me for the ways I miss her!

When I stayed with her and didn't go to Allahabad for my preparation, that was the best decision for me. People whom we love and who loves us back, always thrive to meet us, see us. When you have such loved one for whom your heart cries even if they get a single scratch, don't listen to your mind and go meet them. Just follow your heart because if the heart is quenched, you have won the battle of life. Heart and its desires makes every dull place a heaven and every pleasant place a gloomy dark one, if it is not satisfied the way it wants. So follow your heart when life gives you some rare chances.

A line from my 2nd favorite song is perfect to express it precisely ::

"Jab mile thodi fursat, khud se kar le mohabbat" {When life gives you a rare chance, love yourself by following your heart}


  1. bitter sweet memories. may her soul rest in peace


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